May 10th, 2007
Mother's Day lets you recognize mom's good qualities — like her saint-like patience for your jackass sensitivity. Or, to put it another way — her sense of humor. So here's our list of the seven worst mother's day gifts we could imagine.
But Mom loves you already. So what have you got to lose?
|MILF's Need Love Too||"It's a book! Why thank you dear. (Pause) What's a MILF?"
"Um, it's an acronym."
"But what's it stand for?"
"Well, uh — the M stands for 'Mother'..."
"Why is this woman chewing her necklace?"
"It's my sister's fault. She said she'd pick out something nice for me to give you."
"I did not!"
"I'll get you for this!"
"Ha ha ha ha..."
And Stacey's mom lived happily ever after.
Mom loves movies. And it's mother's day. So why not a movie called... Mother's Day?
Because it's an R-rated horror film from the notorious Troma studios. The producers of Blood Sucking Freaks tell the gruesome story of three sorority girls who get captured in the woods and tortured by two hicks — and their mother. When asked for plot keywords, Amazon's reviewers recommended the words "kidnapping," "disturbing," "sadism," and "murder". One reviewer even calls it "The first movie I ever walked out of. And I was home!"
Special features include a commentary track, plus footage of grossed-out people watching the movie.
Mom would probably prefer the Hitchcock movie about that nice schizophrenic whose mother is a mummified corpse in the basement. Because at least he was polite.
|It's My Head In a Box|
|A Very Special Bracelet||
Mom loves her charm bracelet. To help personalize it, each family member gives her a charm. There's one from her son, one from each daughter, and one from Dad that says "A little head never hurt anyone."
Last year Dad gave Mom a Pugster bracelet that said "Two in the pink, one in the stink." But she didn't understand it, so the next charm had a picture. Amazon has since discontinued any charm bracelets advertising "the shocker," but there's still one very special bracelet charm that just says "PMS."
We told Dad these were great gift ideas — but that's because we're trying to get them divorced. For her birthday, Dad gave her a charm that said "Pootie Tang."
Any day now...
This heartwarming family classic shows Mrs. Sturak, an elderly babysitter, who dies the instant mom leaves for Australia. In a surprise plot twist, the five children dump her body at the morgue — "Nice old lady inside. Died of natural causes" — then party all summer.
Mom will love seeing her worst nightmares come to life. For added angst, the movie even stars Christina Applegate, who played the slutty daughter on "Married With Children". Although to be fair, in this movie she learns a valuable lesson about responsibility, and even gets a job.
And no, it isn't pole dancing.
|Dreams Come True|
|A Night of Romance||
"I can't wait to see her face light up!" Dad had said. Mom was waiting in the bedroom for her special Mother's Day present...
But at first, through the doorway, all we heard was sobbing. Then we heard Dad's voice, saying "You don't understand. That's the name of the weed."
Then we heard a loud noise, and then Dad saying "Oww!" Eventually, the police came.
Now we're staying with Aunt Minnie.
|For all the sex-positive soccer moms, here's a t-shirt that says "I love porn."
It's cotton, with a banded hem, by the fashionable designers at Locher's of Paris. ("To counterbalance the elegance and antiquity of the embroidery...the playful charm of a dirty saying embroidered into every shirt.") They promise their shirts highlight mom's best asset — "her sense of humor."
Their fine print cautions the shirts are "something your Mother wouldn't wear, and your Daddy shouldn't see."
Which, perversely, makes me want to buy one even more.
|The Perfect Gift||
Mother's Day was originally an anti-war crusade. Over the years it eventually became an opportunity to recognize Mom's seething resentment over her life's shattered dreams with flowers.
But only once a year.
So Sunday get mom what she really needs — a divorce. This book promises "a thorough overview of the divorce process" — plus cartoons! It's the perfect gift after years of enduring your demanding, moody, and overbearing father. (And remember — Father's Day is June 17.)
One Chicago divorce attorney even put up a billboard with encouragement — showing a young man's muscular torso over the headline "Life is short. Get a divorce." Doesn't your mom deserve the best?
If it all works out, you could wind up with some new step brothers and step sisters.
And hopefully — they'll have better taste in Mothers Day gifts.
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