Ten Worst Spiderman Tie-Ins

Spidey Stuff!

It's the most expensive movie ever made — and probably the most heavily licensed.

Sony Pictures needs to earn $250 million just to break even on Spiderman 3 — so they've already licensed the costumed superhero's image for hundreds of products. Some are funny, some are strange, and some are stupid. We'll let you figure out which are which.

When Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, he learned that with great power comes great responsibility.

But I don't think he ever expected...toothbrushes.

Fights Crime — and Cavities

Nothing screams dental hygiene like a tiny superhero clinging desperately to your toothbrush. ("No! Not the back molars!!") Is Peter Parker afraid of tooth decay, or just of being pushed into your stinky mouth?

This $8.00 toothbrush from Crest features the ol' floss-spinner himself. Fight plaque with the power of a radioactive spider's bite — and some delicious Crest toothpaste.

And maybe some mouthwash.

Bitten by a radioactive flea, "Spider-Dog" gained the proportionate strength of a spider, and can also lick himself.

Now he does whatever a spider can — and also, fetches.

And humps the mailman's leg.

He tried to join the Avengers once, but they kicked him out because he kept sniffing the other superheroes' butts.
Starring Kirsten Dunst

Sticks to Walls

"Ooh — did ookums get a boo-boo? I was bitten by a radioactive insect, gaining the freakish powers of a spider. So if there's one thing I know about, it's preventing infections."

"Unless you're allergic to latex."

"I'm a graduate from the Harvard School of Business — and my tie has Spider-Man on it."

It's the cutting edge in comic book superhero formal wear, and it's drawing rave reviews on Amazon.

"WOMEN LOVE IT!!! ...There's nothing that says, 'I'm a great lover and would make a good father' quite like 'Ol Spidey dangling right there down a man's torso... when I put this tie on, it's like I'm shooting electric sparks of love!"

5 of 5 people found this review helpful.
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Spider-Man would be less popular if he actually looked like this. And he'd probably be less intimidating to supervillains. Especially if they discovered that his secret identity was a cuddly plush pillow for ages three and up.

Among other things, it raises the question of how he'd blend into society when he returned to his identity as Peter Parker.

"Hey, Mary Jane. Who's your flat, box-shaped boyfriend with the legs that bend backwards?"

"He sure looks snuggly."

It's the ultimate slipper — it's half good, and half evil.

While you pad across your living room, Spider-Man protects you from supervillains and chilly tiles.

But Venom is lurking, just a few toes away, brooding on malevolent new crimes that involve static electricity.

Just remember: While you're lazing around on a Sunday morning, your slippers are plotting to destroy you.

Venom for your Feet

Secret Identity

The guys in gym class will never make fun of you again — oh no, not after they've seen your Spider-Man underwear. There will be no obvious jokes about whether your "Spider Sense" is tingling, no sniggering remarks about how you'll replenish your web shooters...

Go get 'em, Tiger.

"Who is this Spider-Man," snarls fictitious newspaper editor J. Jonah Jameson. Apparently he's a 7-year-old named David, who climbs up walls while his face never moves.

It's almost as though David's parents had uploaded his picture to Kideo.com so their child could "star" in a customized Spider-Man movie for $38.

It's money well spent, since according to their web page, the DVD also includes "an educational tutorial on spiders" hosted by noted spider authority...J. Jonah Jameson.

Former Child Star

Spider Hobo

Not only could Spider-Man stop a freight train — he is a freight train.

What kid hasn't dreamed of replacing fighting superheroes with drawings of them on the sides of a box car. Just imagine the thrilling battles when the Spider-Man boxcar fights the Green Goblin boxcar — to boxcar death.

The real moral of this story is that Sony didn't need to spend a quarter of a billion dollars making Spiderman 3. Kids would rather stay home playing with trains.

The Amazing Prosthetic Arm Spider-Man Fishing Rod

This last toy came from an open source project designing prosthetic limbs. They offer an online forum called "Pimp my Arm" — and somehow decided to combine a prosthetic arm with a fishing rod.

This isn't a commercial product — which puts the whole thing into perspective. If slapping the Spider-Man logo onto red and blue plastic was ever going to be meaningful, this is it. Imagine a happy child writing their own version of the Spider-Man theme song...about their arm.

Maybe it doesn't spin a web, any size. But it catches fish...using flies.

Go get 'em, tiger.

See Also:
George Bush vs. Spider-Man
Lost "Horrors" Ending Found on YouTube
The Celebrity Breast Conspiracy
Five Lamest Charlie Brown Cartoons
Neil Gaiman Has Lost His Clothes

38 thoughts to “Ten Worst Spiderman Tie-Ins”

  1. Why stop there, Marvel marketing team? What about Spidey-slingin’ mace? Green Goblin turkey-jerky? J. Jonah Jameson defibrillators?

  2. “Sony Pictures needs to earn $250 million just to break even on Spiderman 3 — so they’ve already licensed the costumed superhero’s image for hundreds of products.”

    sony doesn’t OWN spider-man’s image, dipshit, so they can’t license it to anyone. the only one of those products that sony might possibly have made a dime on would be the slippers, since they look like they used the black costume from the new movie. the rest of the products feature spider-man as he appears in MARVEL comics. spider-man is MARVEL’s property, and THEY license him. sony doesn’t get jack shit from any spider-man products unless they feature images or designs from the movies, and except for the slippers, NONE of those products you mocked do.

  3. DestinyIsRetarded, chill out, man. It doesn’t matter to readers of this zine if SONY makes a dime off of this crap or not. I think the article was great. Kudos to Destiny!

  4. Wow, that’s a harsh response to a post about bad Spiderman products. Take a deep breather, brother. It’s gonna be okay.

  5. You’re a nerd destiny no one cares, go whack it to a wonder woman comic.

  6. The Kideo video is great fun. My nephew loved it and watches over and over. Every time someone comes over he says “I’m Spiderman” and makes them watch the video. Some of the best 30 bucks I’ve ever spent on a kids present. Pass on the prosthetic arm though.

  7. @DestinyIsRetarded,

    Actually… they do. Or more accurately, They co-own the rights to the movie-version of the costume’s image. That’s how movie licensing works my friend. You’re correct about the slippers being the only bit of crap (er, sorry… collector’s items) that’s movie-license related however.

  8. You forgot about the generic Spiderman 3 soda, found at participating Wal-Mart stores. Totally lame.

  9. haha, that was quite funny. esp the one about Venom being “a few toes away”. i guess not all of them are official merchandises, are they? =\

    nice entry!

  10. does anybody realize that this shit is made for kids, not die hard fanboy collectors looking to expand their spidey museum held up in mommy’s basement. kids dont need their favorite spider-man pillow to look perfect, they are just happy to have it. my ex-girlfriends kid rarely ever took off his old spider-man slippers. granted they were a terrible rendition of the bugs visage but they still made him smile. cartoon characters on band-aids help the child who is freaking out because he just cut himself calm down, because now he has a cool spider-man band-aid to show his friends. my grandfather is an avid model train collector, as well as a spider-man fan, so that train would be a cool x-mas or birthday gift that he would see the value in. and what kid is going to say they wont brush their teeth with a toothbrush depicting their favorite character on it?

    granted some of the shit that comic and cartoon characters images get put on is pure shite, and the majority of merchandise is really only a way to cash in on a fad. but like i said, who fucking cares what we the die hard fanboys (and girls) think about it. its not made for us. its made for kids. they appreciate it where as we appreciate the higher end action figures, the busts and the resin models. that shit is for us, the shit shown up there, is for them. and they like it. so quit your bitching

    although i will admit i fucking hate costumes for pets

  11. I like the slippers, but they’d be even better if one was regular Spidey and the other one were Venom. In the mornings I could decide which of my feet will be the evil one for the day…

  12. Way to rip off imockery’s article that is just about the exact same thing. good job.

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  14. No thanks, I have far more important things like bathing the cat. Do folks REALLY take these pretend people serious??

  15. dear whoever posted this and the pandora effect and sonja,



    its spider-man in his black suit, not venom for your feet.

    he is not lurking just a few toes away.

    he is not on the fucking slipper.

    why am i upset?

    because anyone who would make a post like this would atleast SEE the movie. and anyone who would see the movie would know that spider-man wears a black suit (alien costume) half the time.

    and they would also know that that is not venom on those fucking slippers.

  16. Don’t want to drag this out, but some folks (even at Marvel) consider the black symbiote itself to be “Venom” and not just the fanged character. So, um… tony… calm down there, chief.

    That was my nerd comment of the day.

  17. “It doesn’t matter to readers of this zine if SONY makes a dime off of this crap or not.”

    Yeah, people who reads this zine don’t care about little things like facts or accuracy. We’re STUPID MORONS.

  18. You missed the “best” one. In the UK Burger King have the exclusive rights to ‘The Dark Whopper’ inspired by Spiderman 3.

    When I saw the ad on TV I nearly fell off my chair laughing at the sheer stupidity.

  19. Too bad most of those are tie-ins from the animated series, not Spiderman 3.

  20. The dog outfit and the prosthetic arm beggared belief. Marvel will take money for anything.

  21. It’s funny that this forum began before anyone had seen the 3rd movie. Man… what a piece of shit!

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