Why Sarah’s Sex Life Matters

A lot of people have said "I don't know if it's fair to look at Sarah Palin's sexuality the way people are — I just don't know if it's sexist or appropriate. Why can't we just treat her like a human being?" Okay, I'm going to tell you why it's appropriate for us to gloat and delve into every detail.
#1. Sexual politics is important. It matters.

#2. Palin has made priggery, prudery and sexual hypocrisy a centerpiece of her law enforcement and public policy directives, as both the mayor of the beautiful Wasilla, Alaska, and the governor of the state.

She ran on a sex-is-icky platform. People who lived in Wasilla remember when being mayor was almost considered a thankless job, like being the town plumber. ("Who wants to deal with all the bullshit down at the city dump and the electrical wiring?") And then Sarah came along, with her Pentecostal church program behind her, saying "I'm not going to talk about issues like whose dog is pooping on whose lawn. I'm going to talk about stopping abortion now." That's the kind of stuff she ran on, and she got a bunch of people who'd never voted before to march down from her little church and put her into office.

About the author: Susie Bright is the host of the weekly Audible.com podcast, "In Bed With Susie Bright." For a free month's subscription, click here. The longer, audio version of Susie's analysis can be found here.

And then Mayor Palin cut funding for rape test kits. It's like, "If you want to complain about being raped, sweetheart, well, you can just get out your checkbook." Because the city of Wasilla, no matter how much money they had in revenue from their oil, wasn't going to spend it on you. So Sarah has made sex a topic by her legislation and her lobbying and her speeches.

But here's the most controversial part, and it's just as rich as any other aspect of her candidacy: we finally have an image of a powerful, fertile, virile woman on the national stage. And it's a female image that's been almost entirely absent from America's pop culture. When you think of women who've been in the news, two kinds come to mind. One we'll call the Paris Hilton model — or Lindsay Lohan, or Britney Spears — this illiterate, anorexic, or drug-addicted pop tart. "She's so rich. Everybody wants to fuck her. She's so special." This, as many mothers wring their hands saying "This is the role model for our daughters? This is who they see as someone they should look up to?" It's been a travesty.

The other kind of strong woman on a national stage has been an older woman like Hillary Clinton. In some ways, you can say that's how sexism worked against her. Every time she got a little ballsy, a little rip-roaring — every time she showed her fierceness and her strength — she was bound to be called a Wellesley lesbian, that somehow she wasn't enough for Bill Clinton, that all those girls she went to college with she was secretly fucking. Now all of this has just been a big pile of right-wing baloney, but it's what happened to Hillary Clinton. She has never allowed herself, or been encouraged to show her sexual side, because it's been considered something that would get her in trouble — like there was no positive way to show it. She had to refrain from being a ball-buster for fear of being dyke-baited.

So here comes Sarah Palin, who apparently is not in menopause at all. She just had a baby a few months ago, so her heterosexuality is just bleeding out all over the place. She's just rolled out of bed! That's the impression we get from this woman. They can't get her on the dyke thing. She's up in Alaska, shooting guns and taking names! So she's gotten a pass on this. And she is irresistible!

We simply haven't had an overtly fecund, butch, straight-woman sex symbol in so long. She's like Annie Oakley with her six-shooters and her polar bears, her caribou dressing and her moose stew. She's got five kids hanging off of her, and you're like "Hells bells, that woman can fuck in the morning, go out for a long hike on the Arctic tundra, take down a polar bear or two, and be back in time to pass some new creationist legislation." She just kicks ass. I mean, she's just so — mmm. So like a powerful woman.

It's exciting, isn't it?

I think for every woman who's been appalled at her politics and the platform she's been running on — and this certainly includes me — well, there's this little part of me that's thinking "Oh, If only she was on my side. If only I could kidnap Sarah Palin and just lick her pussy for a few hours, I think we could just work this whole thing out." Do you know how many lesbians are discussing this? My friend Marga Gomez, who's a fantastic dyke comedian, has this line where she says "Sarah Palin? She's having my baby. And we've already named her Drill." If only we could move her political viewpoint around just a little.

I was talking to my good friend Christina the other night, and when I told her my kidnapping/cunnilingus fantasy about brainwashing Sarah Palin, she said "I don't think it'd really be that hard. I think she really does like us. I think she's ready for anything. She just wants to be a winner. That's all this girl cares about." When she was Sarah Barracuda on the high school basketball team, when she was in the beauty contest — you can just imagine how mad she was that she didn't win Miss Alaska and only won Miss Congeniality.

I don't think she's very congenial. She wants to win. And in Alaska, that meant siding with a certain kind of fundamentalist church. At first, it meant bucking the Republican establishment without leaving the Republican party entirely. It was the same thing with her church. If you go onto YouTube and look at that Wasilla Pentecostal church she belonged to — I mean, they make Ted Haggard look like a sober Lutheran Minister. And when she ran for governor, all of a sudden she stopped going there every Sunday, because it was just a little too wacky. You know, she had a private talk with them and said, "I really love you guys, but it's a little too theatrical for my political career."

What have we learned about Sarah Palin's sex life so far? The most important thing is that, like every other single person in Alaska, she seems to have had premarital sex. You can look at the elopement date, and then you look at when their first son, Track, was born less than 8 months later. All of her children seem to have had premarital sex — all the ones who've gone through puberty, at least. This is not unusual in America, and especially not in Alaska, where you have all these long, long months, a very narrow economy, and not the biggest educational system in the world. There's not a lot to do except fuck, drink, hunt, and fish. In fact, I don't really know how this Wasilla Pentecostal church really works with their abstinence program, because it goes against the Alaska way!

This kind of hurts me, because you know how I hate slut-baiting, but people at Bristol's high school say she got around, according to the National Enquirer. It's easy to imagine this, because when you see all the photos that are floating around MySpace, there's lots of supposed pictures of Bristol, her sister, and her cousins with gigantic tankards of Jack Daniels, tossing them back — jello shots, party, party, party. The kids have apparently been in a lot of hijinx.

I mean, on one level, I'm sympathetic to Sarah Palin having her life torn apart like this, because every other candidate has all kinds of skeletons in their closet, too. The kind of problems this family is dealing with aren't unusual for any American family. But we never found out what was going on with the Bushes, because they were from a ruling class elite that has a shroud of secrecy around their personal lives, and no one in those circles talks. You're never going to find out what they did at Walmart. You're never going to find out if they pulled their pants down and mooned somebody out a car window — because nobody talks among the crowd they've grown up with.

Sarah, on the other hand, in this working class/middle class community in Alaska? Everyone's got a story. There's no veneer of nobility or discretion. It's all up for grabs.

I know the GOP makes it their practice to select candidates — and this very much includes John McCain — not based on whether these people have intelligence or leadership qualities, or experience or character. They pick them the way a modeling agency picks a spokesmodel — they pick them like it's a casting call. Somebody like Richard Nixon would never be picked for a presidential nominee in a million years now, because he's not good television. Ronald Reagan changed everything. Now the GOP believes that government should be handled by professionals whose names you will never know. And they just want the little puppets on the outside to do the song and dance.

"Do you think she's pretty? Do you think she's cute? Great! Vote for her!" And they don't have any respect for her. When they start screaming about how she isn't shown enough deference by the media, I'm thinking "But you don't respect her. You think she's a useful idiot!" If she's really like Annie Oakley, she wouldn't put up with that. If she's really a tough woman who can stand up to a grizzly bear — can she stand up to the GOP?

That would impress me. If she's not going to do that, then she's totally under their thumb — under her husband's thumb, under the GOP's thumb. She's sold out for the money, like so many others, and she doesn't have the barracuda qualities of survival and dignity that we'd hope that she'd have.

We'll see.

I realize some other unbelievable surprise may be unleashed, but until then, all we can do is just turn the pages of the National Enquirer.

See Also:
20 Wildest Reactions to Obama's Victory
Sarah Palin Photos and a Moose
Drugs and Sex and Susie Bright
CWILF Island: Hottie Candidate Spouses

160 thoughts to “Why Sarah’s Sex Life Matters”

  1. Susie,

    Good News: You got mentioned by InstaPundit
    Bad News: Because you repeated the thoroughly-debunked rape kit smear.
    Worse News: Your fantasy is creepy, and you exhibit some classic symptoms of R(PV)DS (Reality (Palin Variant) Derangement Syndrome.

    Please put the keyboard down slowly and then call a qualified mental health professional…

  2. What’s it like to feel like such an expert and not have a grasp on reality or a single correct fact?

    Next time you feel like pontificating on politics, assuming you don’t want to look like an ignorant asshole, go check your facts first.


  3. What a load of BS. Once again a lesbian with too much time on her hands that has no ability to accept an intelligent woman that is not in plaid and coming over for another potluck.

    When will you get it right? The Fact checks on your assertions have all been blasted as BS and have been refuted publically by factcheck.com.

    Sorry ladies but this is one carpet your not going to munch,… Try Rosie I hear she is available these days.

  4. Susie , not so “BRIGHT”.
    This “FALSE RUMOR” was “DEBUNKED” a week ago.
    You source must be the MSM, who got it wrong also.

    “Fact Check” is a wonderful tool, you should try using it before making a fool of yourself.

  5. I think the rape kit scenario has been disproved. It was Alaskan State law after all, and not one single person in Wasilla was ever charged for the cost. Not one. Like most Liberal statements, it was a lie.

  6. Unbelievable surprize: the rape kit story has been debunked, repeatedly. So I wonder what else in the post is rumor rather than reality.

  7. The truth just isn’t important to you folks is it? You have the devine govern to lead us poor fools so anything you say and do in aid of that is right and proper.

    “When they came for the Jews I said nothing because I was not a Jew … and when they came for me there was no one left to speak.” Pastor Neimoller.

  8. The “billing victims for rape kits” schtick is a smear. There is no evidence that the City of Wasilla did such a thing (cite). The entire premise of your piece is bogus, based on a lie.

  9. Um… the rape kits thing has been thoroughly discredited. Before presuming to tell us what to think, please make some attempt to master the most basic facts around the topic.


  10. Wow! An all time low in vulgarity and base instincts.

    You are one sick human being! You could benefit from meds.

  11. Am I really the only one over from Instapundit to point out that the rape test-kit story has been repeatedly debunked? (Plus mind-reading immediately after. My motive-o-meter doesn’t work from a distance. Where can I get one like yours?)

  12. Yes, the rape kit meme has been disproved over and over again, so it has to be wilful ignorance at best, blackhearted slander at worst that they keep bringing it up. Methinks the latter. Is there anybody more hatefilled than a Bush/Palin Deranged Leftist? Besides a head-sawing terrorist, I’ve yet to see it.

  13. Susie, you do realize, you are the one with the sex hangup, don’t you? This is a very bizaare, very telling post.

  14. Satire: The Top Ten Rumors about Governor Palin

    1. Diplomat asked Palin to fetch coffee. “She didn’t act like a Governor” he said.
    2. Call to Wasilla library interrupted operations. “Palin talked for half an hour”, says librarian.
    3. Palin’s children may not be citizens due to technicalities of Alaska Purchase.
    4. Palin campaign operative asked for gun rack over VP Seal.
    5. Sarah Palin did not inspire character Sarah Conner in the movie “The Terminator”. “She inspired the Terminator character”, reports screenwriter.
    6. Secret sources report “Al-Qaeda will never surrender to a woman, may it please Allah”.
    7. Palin was not vetted about future pregnancy. Federal law prevented asking.
    8. Palin denies rumors of “virgin birth”, despite religious leanings.
    9. “Killing moose is overflow hostility”, says psychiatrist.
    10. When Bridge to Nowhere cancelled, 35 homeless denied shelter beneath.

  15. Well, that’s interesting. Not one comment in support of or agreement with the original blog post. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever seen that before. I’ll just add that my personal impression is that the real reason you think it’s appropriate to discuss this at such length and with so little regard for the facts is that you are simply obsessed with sex. Nothing else really matters to you and you see everything through that lense. One man’s opinion.

  16. One might expect trash like this from a denizen of the pilonidal boil that is San Francisco. This is beyond previously mentioned “disgusting” – this pure, unadulterated, fucking garbage.

    Get out your dictionary, slimeball, and look up pilonidal boil – you will see your name in the definition.

  17. Susie, what a disgusting human being you are. Gag. Maybe you and Sandra Bernhard can get together and masturbate like serial killers over your fantasys of denigrating women who remind you of your mother.

  18. You are one twisted person.

    So filled with hatred of a person you don’t even know that you would continue with lies which have long ago been proven false and invent some new lies as well.

  19. “I know the GOP makes it their practice to select candidates — and this very much includes John McCain — not based on whether these people have intelligence or leadership qualities, or experience or character. They pick them the way a modeling agency picks a spokesmodel — they pick them like it’s a casting call.”

    You think Dick Cheney and George H.W. Bush are hot. To each her own, but to then imply that Sarah Palin is the one with serious sexual issues…!?

  20. Get your head out of a muffin and read the facts. Then take your vile self to another country and leave this one to people who really care about each other. If Obamalamdingdong wins you’ll be screaming when you lose more money to taxes and have to fend off truth death squads. You would be a great poster child for planned parenthood.

  21. Thanks for this, Susie, and stay brave in the face of all the abuse you’re getting for telling the deeper truth.

    Yes, the rape-kit thing is a grey area, but even if it was absolutely false, it would be still true.

    There are multiple realities at work in each individual’s perceptions of the societal constructs that inform news texts, and the most empirical of those often fail to pass the filter of individual “otherness.”

    As disempowered spectators at the slow roasting of “ideal truth”, counterweighted perceptions are equally valid, meaning that an attempt to charge rape victims for their kits certifies a neo-palpalism within the proscenium arch of political theatricality.

    Put simply, Alaskan voters’ perceptions that Palin is the sort of person who WOULD charge for rape kits means that she actually did.

    That should be enough reason for anyone not to vote for her.

    Now, you right wing nutcases, go back and throw more filth in “reality” playground.

  22. Final thought: I don’t know if anyone every took you seriously before – but no one ever will again. Your comments exposed you rather than Sarah Palin. Actually, I feel sorry for you and I’m sorry I made the nasty comment above.

  23. If the argument could be made that abortion would prevent more “women” like you from entering the world, you could probably even convince a conservative to make the exception.
    Outlaw abortion except in the case of rape, incest and Suzie Bright.
    Yup, works for me.

  24. The oddest thing about liberals is there blindness to there own juvenile behavior? They want unearned respect and power but see no wrong in the petty act of scraping off a republican bumper sticker on there way to yet another “sit in a circle, plot the over through of the infidels, group hug! We need grown up leadership, not the middle school antics of the newly pubescent.

  25. The piece of rubbish that wrote this is in San Francisco, right? Can we get a restraining order to keep her there? These types of people and their moronic and hateful thought patterns are why I think we should seriously consider sawing off at least Northern California. A great portion of the toxic mortgages were taken out there by irresponsible greedy people, so we can solve two problems at once.

  26. WOW! You are an incredibly hateful, partisan and vile human .. er .. I guess .. being. Please, when McCain / Palin win in November, leave the USA for some other country that enjoys such garbage. We certainly don’t need such hatred.

  27. I bought one of Usay and Uday Hussein’s plastic grinders on E-bay for a song. Care to drop by for a plunge? Looking forward to the splatter! And your muffled screams.

  28. Susie Bright for president! What this country needs is all sex everywhere all the time. Oh wait … forget that, we want change.

  29. And the American left wonders why it keeps losing elections…

    With supporters like this, how can they NOT help but scare of you know, NORMAL people…

    They can’t figure out that crap like this alienates the hell out of people…

  30. Redmond Barry said:

    “Yes, the rape-kit thing is a grey area, but even if it was absolutely false, it would be still true.”

    See, someone can believe in two contradictory things at the same time.

    Doesn’t make it rational.

  31. I realize Obama supporters are a little slower than the rest of us, but this has been debunked so often that even you must know this story is false. Spend your phony outrage on something else.

  32. Rape kit= urban legend. Debunked ages ago. Try and keep up, would you?

    And Redmond Barry- you’re a pathetic postmodern twat. Go shave your neckbeard.

  33. Like a poster said earlier, every singe one of these commenters thinks you’re an angry, hateful, vile human being (term used loosely here) and I must say, I sure have to agree. You MUST come from San FranFreakShow. Please do the rest of decent American a favor and stay there…

  34. >>>Yes, the rape-kit thing is a grey area, but even if it was absolutely false, it would be still true.

    Lies are truth, truth are lies. Spoken like a true Stalinist.

  35. I lost 10 points from my IQ by reading this drivel.

    Sick little monkey twat, aren’t you ????

  36. To read this post is to witness a mind crawling through the gutter and reveling in the depravity. More and more, liberals try to outdo each other in print, on camera, and in everyday conversation with this type of trendy, transgressive drivel. Besides my substantive differences with the liberal vision for the country, it’s this repulsive mindset that convinces me I could never be like them. I don’t want to crawl in the gutter with these people. I don’t want to hang with them and be “cool.” I don’t want to see the fun in evil thinking, see good as bad, see decency as naivete, see all through a cynic’s eye.

  37. Ok, so I am still not sure of the veracity of the “rape kits” story.

    Everyone seems to be hedging their opinion on this one.

    Can someone please tell me if the “rape kits” story is true or not? I would really like a straight answer on this one.

  38. This article would make Paris Hilton proud.

    What a talent! I’ve got to dig out my Brittany Spears records now!

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